Courage.
Such an easy word to say yet it takes so much to manifest itself. Maybe it took too long. I did what I had avowed to myself I would do, or at least attempted it. I went seeking my Master with a determination that even if I had to gnaw and get into trouble, I would get him to talk to me. I made sure everything was perfect. Wagon was cleaned, furs rolled back and aired out, plush and comfortable, black wine ready, even some extra sweet rolls should he hunger. Then set off to go find him, unsure of what to expect or exactly what words to say once I did.
He had gone to the main fires, so that was the path that I took. I had no sooner come to the edge of the shadows than I see another before his feet. My own feet became like lead. I should have turned away and gone back to the wagon. I should have done anything but stand there and stare. I knew the moment he took her by the arm what was to happen and inside of me, flared this rage.
In this camp, there is not much that goes on that you cannot hear if the sounds are loud enough. And while I returned in a run to the wagon and to the smaller fire, I couldn't drown out the sounds that I heard, not even with my own sobbing. How could he? Why not me? What is wrong with me? "He is just a man. Just another man I am to serve." Says that little voice inside my head. If this is so, why does my heart ache so? Time in, time out, the words come.."slaves are not to be jealous" but with every pore of my being, I hated him right then. I hated her. Even more so, I hated myself. I was trapped with nowhere to run without the risk of becoming bait for sleen. The love I had for the darkness was also suddenly gone. Even when I had buried myself, inside the wagon with the furs over my head, the sounds of the mixed pleasure haunted me. I wanted to scream with frustration and yet I knew that soon he would return to his wagon, ready for sleep.
He did. I pretended to be asleep when he came in, having wiped my cheeks over and over in hopes of no tears leaving their mark. I could smell her on him. I'm sure, he thought nothing of it, hunkering down to finally drift off into sleep. I could not. I couldn't even get my eyes to close for long. After so much peace, now was only confusion. I couldn't wait for the first signs of day to come, counting down the ihns until it was safe to leave the wagon. His food was prepared, as always, and left beside his furs. But this time, no sooner had the cracks of light filtered thru the clouds, I ran.
Finally some release from the tears I had held, too shamed for him to see them, too angry to let him know it hurt me. I ran so I didn't have to see her, or anyone else who knew of what happened. I am his, yet I am not good enough? What did it matter? My owners used other slaves all the time. If anything, I was relieved that it was not me that they chose. Why does it matter so much now? Maybe its because he is all I have in this new world I am in. He is my anchor and my guiding light. Maybe its because I meant those words, that I belong at his feet and no others. I wish my mind would stop. I ran until I could run no more, unsure of where I was since most of the way had been blinded by tears. It was there I sank down, beating the soil with my hands and let loose all the screams that raged inside of me. "I hate you! I hate you!" Each time I screamed those words, I knew I lied. I wished it were true. He had ripped from me not only my courage, but reminded me.. I am the worthless one. I had cried myself into a daze, exhaustion setting in. I wanted to curl up and sleep, to stop thinking and feeling for a single ehn. I looked up into the same sky that gave me such peace and hope and begged aloud.. "where did it all go?" For the first time, I truly felt alone.
There is no way to mask the fact my eyes have swollen and reddened due to tears. There is no excuse I have to give for why chores were neglected this day. I won't even have tears left if he chooses to whip me for this. I am numb. My courage has gone, words have failed me. My desire to fight and learn this way of life suddenly hurts. Peace has turned my mind into chaos and I have no direction to turn. I doubt I can hide the contempt that will show if I see this woman. I am not real sure what he will see when he looks at me, though I know for a fact I will not be able to look upon him fully. I don't know what to feel. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe I reached too far for those stars. All I know is that for tonight, the silence will remain unless he breaks it. He won't. I'm only a slave. Why should he care that my heart hurts, or my mind has taken such a hard spin? I'll just accept whatever comes and pull back into myself for awhile, as I have with every other man who has owned me. With him, I wanted to be true. I wanted to drop the masks and when I offer of myself, make it real. He has demanded it so. But that is something I am not sure how to do now....
I don't know what to do now..... find my way back.. eventually...
Such an easy word to say yet it takes so much to manifest itself. Maybe it took too long. I did what I had avowed to myself I would do, or at least attempted it. I went seeking my Master with a determination that even if I had to gnaw and get into trouble, I would get him to talk to me. I made sure everything was perfect. Wagon was cleaned, furs rolled back and aired out, plush and comfortable, black wine ready, even some extra sweet rolls should he hunger. Then set off to go find him, unsure of what to expect or exactly what words to say once I did.
He had gone to the main fires, so that was the path that I took. I had no sooner come to the edge of the shadows than I see another before his feet. My own feet became like lead. I should have turned away and gone back to the wagon. I should have done anything but stand there and stare. I knew the moment he took her by the arm what was to happen and inside of me, flared this rage.
In this camp, there is not much that goes on that you cannot hear if the sounds are loud enough. And while I returned in a run to the wagon and to the smaller fire, I couldn't drown out the sounds that I heard, not even with my own sobbing. How could he? Why not me? What is wrong with me? "He is just a man. Just another man I am to serve." Says that little voice inside my head. If this is so, why does my heart ache so? Time in, time out, the words come.."slaves are not to be jealous" but with every pore of my being, I hated him right then. I hated her. Even more so, I hated myself. I was trapped with nowhere to run without the risk of becoming bait for sleen. The love I had for the darkness was also suddenly gone. Even when I had buried myself, inside the wagon with the furs over my head, the sounds of the mixed pleasure haunted me. I wanted to scream with frustration and yet I knew that soon he would return to his wagon, ready for sleep.
He did. I pretended to be asleep when he came in, having wiped my cheeks over and over in hopes of no tears leaving their mark. I could smell her on him. I'm sure, he thought nothing of it, hunkering down to finally drift off into sleep. I could not. I couldn't even get my eyes to close for long. After so much peace, now was only confusion. I couldn't wait for the first signs of day to come, counting down the ihns until it was safe to leave the wagon. His food was prepared, as always, and left beside his furs. But this time, no sooner had the cracks of light filtered thru the clouds, I ran.
Finally some release from the tears I had held, too shamed for him to see them, too angry to let him know it hurt me. I ran so I didn't have to see her, or anyone else who knew of what happened. I am his, yet I am not good enough? What did it matter? My owners used other slaves all the time. If anything, I was relieved that it was not me that they chose. Why does it matter so much now? Maybe its because he is all I have in this new world I am in. He is my anchor and my guiding light. Maybe its because I meant those words, that I belong at his feet and no others. I wish my mind would stop. I ran until I could run no more, unsure of where I was since most of the way had been blinded by tears. It was there I sank down, beating the soil with my hands and let loose all the screams that raged inside of me. "I hate you! I hate you!" Each time I screamed those words, I knew I lied. I wished it were true. He had ripped from me not only my courage, but reminded me.. I am the worthless one. I had cried myself into a daze, exhaustion setting in. I wanted to curl up and sleep, to stop thinking and feeling for a single ehn. I looked up into the same sky that gave me such peace and hope and begged aloud.. "where did it all go?" For the first time, I truly felt alone.
There is no way to mask the fact my eyes have swollen and reddened due to tears. There is no excuse I have to give for why chores were neglected this day. I won't even have tears left if he chooses to whip me for this. I am numb. My courage has gone, words have failed me. My desire to fight and learn this way of life suddenly hurts. Peace has turned my mind into chaos and I have no direction to turn. I doubt I can hide the contempt that will show if I see this woman. I am not real sure what he will see when he looks at me, though I know for a fact I will not be able to look upon him fully. I don't know what to feel. Maybe it was too soon. Maybe I reached too far for those stars. All I know is that for tonight, the silence will remain unless he breaks it. He won't. I'm only a slave. Why should he care that my heart hurts, or my mind has taken such a hard spin? I'll just accept whatever comes and pull back into myself for awhile, as I have with every other man who has owned me. With him, I wanted to be true. I wanted to drop the masks and when I offer of myself, make it real. He has demanded it so. But that is something I am not sure how to do now....
I don't know what to do now..... find my way back.. eventually...
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