I did it. I think I did it anyhow. As much as I wanted to be angry, I still couldn't help but go to his feet the moment I saw him. The Mistress, Cana, was there and spoke with him for a time which allowed me a while to gather my thoughts. What I could anyhow.
My eyes hurt. My hands hurt. My heart hurt. When he asked what had disrupted my peace, all I could ask him was a simple question.. why not me? I knew that would open a can of worms, but I had no idea how big those worms were going to be. His words bit into me hard. Lashed at me in a sharper way than a whip could ever touch my skin. I wanted to flee, run from his words and cry until it didn't hurt anymore. But I didn't. I stayed there, refusing to allow myself that and forced myself to calm. He pushed me with his words, taking me to the brink of anger and to the brinks of wanting to scream. The more he saw that emotion inside of me, the more he pushed. Perhaps it was out of desperation of not knowing what else to do, I clashed head on with one of my greatest fears. I reached out to him, and asked for his guidance. He must think I fancy myself so smart that I try to figure it all out on my own. Perhaps in many ways, I do. Not so much think I am smart, but that I do try to figure things out. I can only liken it to riding a kaiila. You can put a person on there, and teach them to ride, but what pride do you have until you see the person do it on their own? I want that pride in his eyes.
Yes, I got jealous. No, I don't understand why. He says its because I think that I care. Think... I care? My fears have manifested into a huge dark cloud that now hangs over me. Rejection. From him, from his people. Yes, I fear. But inside that fear also comes a determination. I have seen the most timid of people, so filled with fear, that they would kill swifter than the one who holds his sword so mightily. He may not understand being my anchor in this new world, but as I explained to him, my fate can change so quickly, without regard, that I draw strength from that which is secure to me. He may never understand that. But he is right.
Our conversation ended on a semi gentle tone. He seemed neither pleased or displeased. So tonight, while I sit by the fires, I speak to the stars. That small tri cluster that seems to always be the first ones to twinkle so brightly.
"I do not understand why it is that I was brought to this land, but I know in my heart, this is where I belong. With this man who owns me, is where I belong. Give me strength to find what it is that I need to be, need to learn and need to understand. Give me wisdom to find the right words to approach him with. Give me the wisdom to get into his mind and soothe calm into the silent storm that rages. I am not so foolish to think he does not want me truly. He had his choice during the raid, many a pretty slave, yet he chose me. He doesn't have to allow me to sleep with him at night, but it is in his arms that I do, each night by his wish. He has kept me, when he could have easily cast me to another or cut my throat. I know that I am wanted. So why does he not allow me close? Does he fear me? Fear allowing me close to his heart? I can look upon this woman now, because it is me, not her, that belongs to him. It is me who belongs to Fonce of the Tuchuk, and only me. Give me the wisdom to remember that, no matter what fears rear their ugly heads at me. I am like no other here. Not because of my color, not because of my breeding. Because I do belong to him. I am his. Not one, not a single one of the slaves can take that away from me. Only he has that right. Never again let my eyes be clouded by tears of an empty emotion that has no place with us. I do not need his collar, or his signature knot as I am made fun for. I do not need his brand. I need no outward signs or reason to prove anything to anyone. I have let my city ways taint my mind, and allowed their ways to eat away at my vanity. These things have no place here, in this land, with my Master. Take them from me. Take these things from me. I have held on to bits and pieces of things I have claimed to surrender until I find I do not want them any longer. They burden me. Help me to stand tall and with pride. Because I am his Pink and I belong to him. That in itself is enough."
He will find me waiting for him tonight. He will find me warm and inviting and thankful. And if he allows, it will be in his arms I will sleep tonight. Not out of fear, not out of needing an anchor in this land, but because it is where he has allowed me to be, and where I need to be. The heaviest of all chains are invisible chains, and I am finding them wrapping tighter with each passing ehn. Now, if only I can find a way to crumble that wall around him, so that he will let me in. I won't give up. My learning, or my trying. I will succeed one day. I must. I am his Pink.
My eyes hurt. My hands hurt. My heart hurt. When he asked what had disrupted my peace, all I could ask him was a simple question.. why not me? I knew that would open a can of worms, but I had no idea how big those worms were going to be. His words bit into me hard. Lashed at me in a sharper way than a whip could ever touch my skin. I wanted to flee, run from his words and cry until it didn't hurt anymore. But I didn't. I stayed there, refusing to allow myself that and forced myself to calm. He pushed me with his words, taking me to the brink of anger and to the brinks of wanting to scream. The more he saw that emotion inside of me, the more he pushed. Perhaps it was out of desperation of not knowing what else to do, I clashed head on with one of my greatest fears. I reached out to him, and asked for his guidance. He must think I fancy myself so smart that I try to figure it all out on my own. Perhaps in many ways, I do. Not so much think I am smart, but that I do try to figure things out. I can only liken it to riding a kaiila. You can put a person on there, and teach them to ride, but what pride do you have until you see the person do it on their own? I want that pride in his eyes.
Yes, I got jealous. No, I don't understand why. He says its because I think that I care. Think... I care? My fears have manifested into a huge dark cloud that now hangs over me. Rejection. From him, from his people. Yes, I fear. But inside that fear also comes a determination. I have seen the most timid of people, so filled with fear, that they would kill swifter than the one who holds his sword so mightily. He may not understand being my anchor in this new world, but as I explained to him, my fate can change so quickly, without regard, that I draw strength from that which is secure to me. He may never understand that. But he is right.
Our conversation ended on a semi gentle tone. He seemed neither pleased or displeased. So tonight, while I sit by the fires, I speak to the stars. That small tri cluster that seems to always be the first ones to twinkle so brightly.
"I do not understand why it is that I was brought to this land, but I know in my heart, this is where I belong. With this man who owns me, is where I belong. Give me strength to find what it is that I need to be, need to learn and need to understand. Give me wisdom to find the right words to approach him with. Give me the wisdom to get into his mind and soothe calm into the silent storm that rages. I am not so foolish to think he does not want me truly. He had his choice during the raid, many a pretty slave, yet he chose me. He doesn't have to allow me to sleep with him at night, but it is in his arms that I do, each night by his wish. He has kept me, when he could have easily cast me to another or cut my throat. I know that I am wanted. So why does he not allow me close? Does he fear me? Fear allowing me close to his heart? I can look upon this woman now, because it is me, not her, that belongs to him. It is me who belongs to Fonce of the Tuchuk, and only me. Give me the wisdom to remember that, no matter what fears rear their ugly heads at me. I am like no other here. Not because of my color, not because of my breeding. Because I do belong to him. I am his. Not one, not a single one of the slaves can take that away from me. Only he has that right. Never again let my eyes be clouded by tears of an empty emotion that has no place with us. I do not need his collar, or his signature knot as I am made fun for. I do not need his brand. I need no outward signs or reason to prove anything to anyone. I have let my city ways taint my mind, and allowed their ways to eat away at my vanity. These things have no place here, in this land, with my Master. Take them from me. Take these things from me. I have held on to bits and pieces of things I have claimed to surrender until I find I do not want them any longer. They burden me. Help me to stand tall and with pride. Because I am his Pink and I belong to him. That in itself is enough."
He will find me waiting for him tonight. He will find me warm and inviting and thankful. And if he allows, it will be in his arms I will sleep tonight. Not out of fear, not out of needing an anchor in this land, but because it is where he has allowed me to be, and where I need to be. The heaviest of all chains are invisible chains, and I am finding them wrapping tighter with each passing ehn. Now, if only I can find a way to crumble that wall around him, so that he will let me in. I won't give up. My learning, or my trying. I will succeed one day. I must. I am his Pink.
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